Annoying Christians and Trust

Christians.  I am one, so I feel qualified (if it takes one to know one) to say “Christians are annoying”.  Not always, not every one, but there surely are the few who have that way about them.

There are several well-meaning Christian folks in my life who care about me and want to know that things will be okay for me, that the messy and difficult situations I find myself in will resolve in a comfortable way for me, in a “successful” way.  I appreciate their care, I really do, yet it gets quite muddied in the process.  I also think they want to feel that I’m making good choices, they want to feel confident in my decision-making processes, and perhaps they feel as though they should be involved in helping me make these choices (they often want me to seek their advice).

They are the Christians who can rattle off preachy-style, on and on, about how they and I should trust God, trust God, trust God, even when we can’t see the road ahead…just gotta trust God.  To some degree, I find that all well and dandy – we are called to trust God whatever the situation, period.  So…yes.

But it all goes sour for me when their concerns that my situations work out “successfully” or rather “comfortably” for me, or that my decision making processes should involve their approval are expressed through either disapproval of my ideas/plans or through repeated worried questioning. 

It kinda goes like this, with “Concerned Christian Friend” who knows me very well and also, if he/she has been listening over the last year, should know significant details of my life and challenges (so none of this news should be so surprising):

Concerned Christian Friend: What’s with all these doctors appointments?  You keep going to doctors and they haven’t told you what is wrong yet?  Why can’t they give you an answer?  Do you think it’s good for you to keep going to all these doctors, to keep having tests, and to not get treatment that’s helpful?

Me: (Thinking: Where do I start?  That was several questions all wrapped up into one…!)  It seems that my health conditions are quite complicated and some diseases I have are rare, and some of them require a diagnosis of exclusion, which means we have to test for nearly everything else before the doctor can say that I have diagnosis X, so it does take considerable amounts of time and testing to figure out what I’ve got.  I have specialists and then I have special-specialists; I’ve got a whole lot of body systems that are out of line, and for each one I tend to need at least one specialist, if not several.  I wouldn’t be going to doctors if I didn’t need to.  I think we’ve made considerable progress in some areas in the last few years through my attention to my medical needs and seeing these doctors.  They aren’t perfect; they are trying to help, but sometimes they just can’t do any more for me.
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Concerned Christian Friend: I just don’t understand why they cannot help you then.  You keep going to doctors and you seem to keep getting worse.

Me:  Because this stuff is all tied together; one health problem impacts another.  Just a year ago we didn’t know I had CRPS/RSD.  It took months to get a diagnosis.  Then it took months to blow through a few different treatment options and find out that those don’t work for me because I’ve had CRPS/RSD too long for those treatments to be effective or because they are contraindicated.  So now the last option is SCS and LDN.  The doctors aren’t God (though some think they are).  We made progress with my GI tract in the last 2 years…HUGE progress…don’t forget that!  I can actually eat food now without crying!  I can use the bathroom without crying or throwing up!  I’m a lot less anxious than I was several years ago, much less depressed, and I’m not hallucinating normally.  We’ve made incredible progress in some areas…it’s just that new areas, or old areas that have become worse, are cropping  up as quickly as it seems we can put out the original fires, and there are times I do get sicker, followed by times when things work out a little better for a while….it’s a somewhat cyclical process.  I have no good answers.

Concerned Christian Friend:  But what are you going to do if you can’t work?  Do you have any plans?  How will you pay your rent?  Surely you can’t  quit work without knowing how you’re going to provide for yourself.  I am just concerned about you, I don’t know where this is going for you.

Me:  I don’t know either.  I don’t want to quit or lose my job; I love my job.  But I don’t really have a plan yet.  I cannot plan for every contingency.  God will provide my needs, and it may look very different than how He has provided in the past.  I DON’T KNOW what it will look like.  I will work if I can work, but I also recognize I’ve currently hit the ceiling of my physical limitations unless God either heals me physically or gives me some extra grace and strength to keep working at my job despite the pain. 

Concerned Christian Friend:  Will you be able to find another job?  Have you been looking?  It doesn’t seem responsible not to have a plan.

Me:  I don’t know that I will be able to work or find another job in the near future if I must stop working my current job.  If I had answers, I’d tell you I knew and that I had a plan.  I’m not God, and God hasn’t yet shown me exactly how all this is going to work out.  I DON’T KNOW.  I just have to trust His provision because He’s ultimately the one who does provide for me; I can do nothing apart from Him.

So here we are, and I’ve stated a number of times that I’m trying to apply what my Concerned Christian Friends have preached – that I need to trust God even when I cannot see the road ahead.  Therefore it strikes me as ironic and a few shades hypocritical that my friends keep asking incessant questions about what’s going to happen and seem to expect me to have a perfectly formed plan and answer.  Am I supposed to trust God in a practical way only when *I* have a plan?  Or to trust Him when I have a sense that others approve of my decisions?  Or to trust Him when it looks like the stars will align and life is going to become easier for me, more comfortable, more “successful” somehow? 

These friends just don’t seem comfortable with my “I DON’T KNOW” answer, even though it’s the best one I can give.  I’m trusting God, so why do these Concerned Christians fret and drive me batty with their worrisome questions? 

In the end, some of the particular people I have in mind very definitely could help me in practical ways – financially, giving of time, providing support and some positive feedback rather than primarily stating their concerns and rehashing the obvious (that I’m sick, may be losing my job, won’t have money to pay for X Y and Z, and that I keep going to doctors and getting minimal help for all the effort expended…which are things I already am acutely aware of each and every day).  While having ample means to help, they ignore their abundant ability to help by being the hands and feet of Jesus in this world and instead  usually just say “We pray for you every day, yes we say beautiful prayers for you that God will heal you and help you and provide for you…”  They go on about how their prayers are consistent and fully formed, how their prayers are examples of their love for me.

And as they speak this way, I can’t help but hear in my mind James 2:14-17 What doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him?   15 If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food,   16 And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit?   17 Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.  

Thus it is that, while I’d love to have closer relationships with these people in particular, given that some of them I have relational reason to be especially close, I find myself further distraught, distracted, frustrated, annoyed, and anything but encouraged after spending time conversing with them.  I might more naturally seek their advice if the strings of judgement weren’t attached (their ‘necessary’ approval of my ideas/plans), and their trust-preaching was being displayed either in their own lives or in the conversations were were having regarding my life. 

In the meantime, I continue to give such relationships some airtime (like laundry drying on the line), feeling grateful for their care and trying not to throw the baby out with the bathwater nor to unnecessarily open my mouth to say something rash and spark a flame that burns down a bridge.  I’ve worked too hard to keep the bridges maintained. 

Annoying Christians give me another chance to be all the more grateful for non-annoying Christians who understand that God may not show me my whole future in His crystal ball this week.  I have many more friends who fit into the later category rather than the former. 

Annoying Christians also remind me that I’ve been seriously and even PAINFULLY annoying to others at times as well.  My weaknesses can draw others down when I’m not filling my heart with the Word and seeing life from an eternal perspective.  I believe that learning what NOT to do can be even more helpful than learning what TO DO, so here’s hoping I can be less of an annoying Christian in the future!

Flipped On Its Head

It’s happened so many times in the last 10 years that I wonder why I’m still shocked/surprised when it happens yet again…

Life gets flipped on its head by medical problems.

I may have a few months, even just a few weeks, where I am physically able to reach those happy “new normals” of increased function, sometimes despite incredible pain.  If you’ve followed along, you’ve read about how I have been exercising fairly hard core at the gym for 4-5 days per week, sticking to a very specific schedule from 7am-11pm, working part-time, and being as independent as possible with my home and health care.  It took God’s Grace every day to help me keep up with that schedule.  But I enjoyed it, I enjoyed being able to do that much, I enjoyed working out and working hard because it’s part of my nature, who I am.  Some days I just couldn’t do it all, I get too sick, but I was able to cut myself a little slack and move on.  It was super-duper hard, but it felt “successful” and that helped fuel me forward even when it felt like I was just living in “survival mode”.

Then you barely heard from me for a few weeks and it seemed I fell off the face of the planet. 

Truth is, I think I did.

I’ve learned just how much a bladder can hurt.  Even after the icky process of coming off the Lyrica cold turkey, my bladder issues have continued to worsen.  Two trips to the Emergency Room at two different hospitals followed; exploring the latest and greatest incontinence products on the shelves of WalMart while praying I didn’t wet my pants right there in the aisle; being a bit too open with my opinions about medical establishments in my Urologist’s office and nearly being kicked out; and begging for medication to reduce the pain without causing my GI system to flare into a rage that can rival the pain of RSD/CRPS any day. 

At this point we still have no clear answers as to what is wrong with my bladder.  In fact, dip stick UTI tests come out positive but the lab tests for specific bacterial strains (which also help determine which antibiotic(s) should be used) have all come back negative…so whether or not I truly have a UTI isn’t even sure after months of back-and-forth.  I’ve more or less been in bed for about two weeks, I’m getting quite weak and have lost a significant amount of the strength I’d gained by working out at the gym, and the CRPS/RSD pain in my legs is worse because I’m not walking or moving enough – bedrest is almost the worst thing for a person who has CRPS/RSD – and because I’m no longer taking the Lyrica which was definitely helping with the burning pains and the pain that feels like screwdrivers being screwed into my toes.  I’ve missed four days of work (and income) thus far and it’s putting my job of three plus years in jeopardy because I don’t have “sick time” despite the fact that I’m sick. 

This wasn’t a turn of events that I had in mind, not a “new normal” for which I was striving.  I honestly felt like the “survival mode” I was already living was challenging enough.  So what do I call this?  “Survivor, Season 2″…if that’s the case, “Survivor, Season 18” is probably more like it?  Sigh.  I’m trying to accept it well, not to be angry, just to take each moment as it comes.

It requires equal if not more of God’s grace operating through my body, mind, and heart to keep my ship afloat now.  It also requires the help of many people in my church because I’m quite unable to do many things for myself at this point.  I cannot drive, I cannot cook, I cannot manage my own medications independently, I cannot clean my house, I cannot go outside or even leave my house without intense CRPS pain due to temperatures, I cannot go to church, I cannot get the groceries.  I like my independence.  I became an Occupational Therapy Assistant a few years ago to do just that – help people with disabilities become as independent as possible…and so it seems to me such the perfect thorn in my side that this very passion of mine appears difficult, if not impossible, to attain consistently within my own life. 

Yet by golly gosh, if I’d not fought similar fights in years before, I’d probably be falling apart at the seams by now.  Instead, I just recognize with a few extra sighs that yeah, this is going to be one heck of a long exhausting uphill battle for me this year.  I may make some ground, lose it all over again, perhaps exceed the abilities I had in 2012, then develop some “new” disease I’d not had before.  It’s just the way this goes.  If nothing else, I can depend upon this consistency – my health is anything but consistent. 

Yes, I do recognize I sound negative, but I guess that’s the honest truth about what goes on in the life of a person – me – who is 29 and faced with some very challenging challenges and disabilities.  It’s not all peaches and cream…life is just hard sometimes.  I lost my innocence in believing otherwise a long time ago.

So, with the current state of affairs, I’ve had to make changes to my plans.

I am still pushing forward for the SCS trial (and psych screening prior to), and I was really trying to focus on building up my strength prior to dealing with the SCS and the mobility and functional restrictions involved with that.  Now my focus has to be the bladder so that I can get that calmed down to be able to move and build my strength up again, but this time I’ll have much less time to do so before going down the SCS road.  At the same time, I know I can only push my body so hard before the pushing to get better/stronger actually backfires and lands me on bedrest.  It’s a delicate balance.  I kind of feel like an Olympic athlete who has a very careful balance to strike between training, rest, which foods to eat and how much of each, etc.  Except that…I’m so NOT an olympian.   🙂  Obviously.

I will try to work from home this week as usual, though I’m out of certain bladder meds (why a doctor can’t prescribe enough meds to get you from at least one appointment to the next is simply beyond me!!!!) which may cause my pain to increase significantly and make working tomorrow impossible.  I really don’t want to lose my job; I’ve worked so hard to keep it.  I’ve had to think even more seriously about trying to take a leave of absence due to medical issues.  If I keep pursuing the SCS, it will involve one week off of work for the SCS trial, then several weeks off of work after the implant.  So I think medical leave, at that point, would be absolutely necessary.  In the meantime, I’ve tried valiantly to put it off as long as possible. 

That’s the tip of my iceberg at the moment.  Lots more happening, lots more jumbled up inside this brain of mine, but too tired and too much pain to write, as has been the case this month.  Hopefully more later.

I just need to quit being so surprised when this “life getting flipped on its head” thing happens again…maybe if I just expect it, I won’t be disappointed when it happens.